I love my father

A sentence so short I was wondering if it was one.

 

For me, this sentence meant a lot of struggle. And since two days, I am capable of saying it meaning, this time, not my heavenly father, but my father on Earth. Blood and flesh. What a thought…

Being raised by a single mother, as an only child brings many benefits: the bond which grows between mother and daughter lays in another dimension.

My father lives in another country. What was between my mother and my father was real love, but due to his illness, they seperated when I wasn´t born. Since that, my whole family, except my mother, was talking badly about him portraying him like a monster or a heartless man. When you then, grow into an age where the opinion of your mother isn´t enough anymore, you start believing these lies of the ones you love.

What happened was this: I began to hate him. Because he left us, because he seemed like he never cared and because, mostly, I felt rejected.

After a quite hard time, I got to know Jesus Christ. He totally healed me from these wounds, lies and hatred/anger. (If you struggle with that, just ask him!) 

But I still wasn´t capable of saying this one sentence while feeling it! I love my father.

It felt unknown saying this being scared people who knew him, who knew my story, would judge it, wouldn´t understand it like I am doing.

It´s like that: people who are the nearest have a specific picture about you. Mostly the true one, the mostly unseen. And when, suddenly, this picture changes you don´t seem to be content enough to show it; to share it because it feels pretty intimidating.

Maybe, it is also about fearing of being hurt. I wasn´t. I was relieved. Maybe it´s about being totally naked in what I felt. Being so transparent, I would sink or perish: It´s about the last unknown bit about you: the strongest feeling kept secret for a long time. But after knowing who we are, I was able to say it: children of God.

Thankfully, I was able to say this sentence to my mother. She rejoiced in that. I did, too.

What I can say is that I truly wouldn´t have gained this love, change and process within me without Jesus Christ. It was all given into his hands and it was his love, his glory and his gentleness which turned me.

Thankfully I am free.

I love my father with his illnesses, with his being and for who he is and was and will be.

Blood and flesh.

God bless all of you,

Natali