lifestyle, My process in love, Uncategorized

I love my father

A sentence so short I was wondering if it was one.


For me, this sentence meant a lot of struggle. And since two days, I am capable of saying it meaning, this time, not my heavenly father, but my father on Earth. Blood and flesh. What a thought…

Being raised by a single mother, as an only child brings many benefits: the bond which grows between mother and daughter lays in another dimension.

My father lives in another country. What was between my mother and my father was real love, but due to his illness, they seperated when I wasn´t born. Since that, my whole family, except my mother, was talking badly about him portraying him like a monster or a heartless man. When you then, grow into an age where the opinion of your mother isn´t enough anymore, you start believing these lies of the ones you love.

What happened was this: I began to hate him. Because he left us, because he seemed like he never cared and because, mostly, I felt rejected.

After a quite hard time, I got to know Jesus Christ. He totally healed me from these wounds, lies and hatred/anger. (If you struggle with that, just ask him!) 

But I still wasn´t capable of saying this one sentence while feeling it! I love my father.

It felt unknown saying this being scared people who knew him, who knew my story, would judge it, wouldn´t understand it like I am doing.

It´s like that: people who are the nearest have a specific picture about you. Mostly the true one, the mostly unseen. And when, suddenly, this picture changes you don´t seem to be content enough to show it; to share it because it feels pretty intimidating.

Maybe, it is also about fearing of being hurt. I wasn´t. I was relieved. Maybe it´s about being totally naked in what I felt. Being so transparent, I would sink or perish: It´s about the last unknown bit about you: the strongest feeling kept secret for a long time. But after knowing who we are, I was able to say it: children of God.

Thankfully, I was able to say this sentence to my mother. She rejoiced in that. I did, too.

What I can say is that I truly wouldn´t have gained this love, change and process within me without Jesus Christ. It was all given into his hands and it was his love, his glory and his gentleness which turned me.

Thankfully I am free.

I love my father with his illnesses, with his being and for who he is and was and will be.

Blood and flesh.

God bless all of you,


The christian belief, The christian lifestyle, Uncategorized

How dying in Christ meant finding myself

In my past, I often struggled with being myself and showing who I am. I probably didn´t even know who I truly was until I gave everything to the LORD.

I knew that GOD has a plan for me; a destiny and purpose. Whenever I felt the Holy Spirit ministering to my heart, I shyed away because I didn´t want to understand his will.

Often, it was my own will, my insecurities and my fear which would hinder me getting intimate with GOD. That is why it is so important to give yourself up, to deny yourself.

Then he said to the crowd, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross daily, and follow me. (Luke 9:23, NLT)

Also, what hindered me was what other people would think of me. A long time I would hide myself from GOD because I didn´t want to be in his destiny. I didn´t want to be ´persecuted´or rejected and feared the one who loved me most; the one who I loved most.

“For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it.” (Mark 8:35, NIV)

After a quite hard time, I realized that this had no sense for me. That I couldn´t please all people around me and that their selfish will for me wasn´t what I wanted, anymore. I saw that I would slowly destroy myself.

Finally, I surrendered and gave him everything experiencing joy and deep, deep freedom in my heart. I understood what it meant to ´give myself away´how it is often sung in church. I understood how it felt to be dying in GOD.

It means to find yourself. You are free from any fear and get to understand your identity: child of GOD. You understand how precious and loved you truly are. You are!

Since that all of my fears and insecurities are burned away. There was a great space for GOD to use me giving me tiny impulses in my heart. And the most miraculuos, the most joyful things happened in my life: Seeing pain from cancer disappear, scars from cutting being healed and feeling the fire of the Holy Ghost.

Since that, I don´t care about what other people think because I´ve learned to trust in GOD and am still learning that.

Gently, gently, he leads me out on the waters…



This post was inspired by the post ´Whaddya Mean, “Are You a Missionary?”´by Brandon Adams here on wordpress. He wrote: We find ourselves most when we lose ourselves; God adds to us when we are busy adding to others. 

The christian belief, The christian lifestyle, Uncategorized

Why prayer is so fascinating

Deep prayer with a genuine heart towards God, creator of the earth, draws us near his heart leading us into a deep intimacy. Intimacy with God lets us experience grace, mercy and joy.

What fascinates me is that I feel like God never lets go of me. I´m always in his hands and even when I´m stuck somewhere he lifts me. I want to encourage and challenge you leading you into a living prayer lifestyle.

Experiencing deep intimacy with God means for me being seen as whole – not of human standarts like outward appearances or the financial situation. But it means the heart, our genuine intentions and ourselves as who we truly are – children of God.

Intimacy with God also means being free. When praying, I surrender everything to him: my struggles, insecurities and even my own will. That is important because when we surrender our own will, God can work in us fully without borders. And that is when we get to know true freedom.

Finally, prayer means intimacy and freedom. Whoever wants to experience this – it´s the best feeling in the world: our purpose and destiny – is pleased to come near God, ask for forgiveness (if you haven´t yet) and surrender.


Culture and Society, Uncategorized

A letter to society

Dear society,

I´m tired of showing off. I´m tired of feeling the need to prove myself before you. Why do we have to impress you so badly? Why do we want to be known for special things and have a place in your heart?

What I´ve been really struggling with is other people´s opinions.

The problem is that through Social Media (we got it-it´s always Social Media..!) and the people which arise, somehow educate themselves and grow there, we constantly want that perfect life.

But we don´t have it. No one has. A perfect life wouldn´t be a life. But instead of consuming that truth, we compare ourselves with the ones who seem to have it.

And what follows is that our generation doesn´t learn how to handle weaknesses but rather pursues that wickedness of a perfect life (which,again, is just a facade). When people already live in that insecurity of not having a perfect life and they see someone other´s weakness or insecurity, they adress it.

They adress it because they themselves want to hide their unperfect life and it to be seen as better, when showing the ability to adress it; to show they are stronger, they are even so very confident to tell that person.

Even if that was so easy to see, I feel and know that my generation still hasn´t that figured out. They don´t know that they themselves are insecure. They don´t know that a person doesn´t get better only because they adress someone´s elses wickedness because they all try to be perfect.

What disturbs me is that we take characteristics out of another person, adress them and call it a name after our own opinion. We assume our opinion to be right, but why? Why can´t a weakness be good? Why don´t we let people just be?

We´ve become so selfish that we form our opinion about others just to compare us and compare us better then them. We also don´t need to be upset when someone is better than us; it says nothing about us, we are still the same.

Dear society, please let people just be, despite of your own opinion because your opinion is just formed for another cause; you yourself.